Step 1: Admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

My story is the same as and different than every addict who finds themselves in a treatment program. Pretty much it can be summed up in a few simple words: pain, misery, and despair. The details aren’t as important as the plain and simple fact that alcohol and cocaine had consumed my life and somehow become more important to me than anything or anybody. 

In 1995, I took part in a residential treatment program for these same substances. The next 11 years I remained drug and alcohol free but did not participate in any 12-step programs or any other process that would help me maintain my sobriety or even remind of this terrible disease that I have. I’m not going to say that these were bad years, in fact quite the opposite. I was blessed in countless ways: family, friends, and a job at the pinnacle of my profession. I quickly forgot that I am an addict and the horrible pain that I was in, in ‘95. The insanity returned. I thought a simple toast of champagne was perfectly appropriate. For the next 1.5 years I drank more and more, started using, and was a “high-functioning” addict. The last 6 months I more or less disappeared off the face of the earth and into a hell of my own making.

I wanted to die. Quit. Leave the agony behind and skip the rest of life. Just curl up in the fetal position and give myself over to the despair. But on July 13, 2007, thanks to an amazing family, I took the blessed step of finding and getting to Harmony.

Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

          I have always had and believed in a loving, caring and forgiving God. What I didn’t know was how I was ever going to face up to the realities of where I had taken my life and how it had affected those I love; or if I would ever be able to live with myself; or if I deserved forgiveness. My spirit was crushed. Every day I had to decide that I would choose life in the middle of devastating circumstances instead of giving in to emotional death, depressing discouragement and defeat. I knew instinctively that God’s hand was the only one strong enough to pull me out of my darkness.

Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

          It was the end of week 2 at Harmony sitting outside of my cabin as the sun was rising. My disappointments gigantic. My hopes were buried in the rubble of recent developments that were so shocking that I was struggling to find any meaning in the fractured pieces of my reality that remained. And I couldn’t see the cross! The cross in the rocks on the mountain across the way. Everyone else could see it, why couldn’t I? Powerless. Defeated. I uttered the Serenity Prayer, read page 417 of the Big Book and closed my eyes. 

          I had no power to control the circumstances that altered that course of my life. But in that quiet, I realized that I still had the ability to determine the course my life would take; however limited that power seemed at the time. I had the power to choose how I would respond and whether or not I would trust in my Higher Power. I opened my eyes and I saw it. The cross in the mountain. No lightening bolts. No burning bush. But my sign that only God could change my thinking - renew my mind and bring me hope. I chose life. I chose surrender. I chose to turn my will and life over to the God of my understanding.

Step 4: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

          I did not want to do this. Really, who does? It represented everything I wanted to escape. The very things I drank and drugged over. Every fear. Every pain. All the shame. The guilt. With the care and guidance of my counselor and peers I knew that if I wanted to move in the direction of life instead of living in self-pityy, debilitating doubt and the stranglehold of fear, I had to do the work. In choosing life, this step became a critical process in getting a foothold on sobriety, reality and serenity.

Step 5: Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

          People told me that one of the great gifts of the 12-step program is that I don’t have to this alone. That there are loving, compassionate addicts just like me who understand and give me the outlet to keep from bottling all the “ugly” stuff inside me. I did some bad things, but I am not a bad person. 

          I didn’t want anyone to see me cry. I didn’t want people to know I needed help. Or that I had been arrested or was hurting financially. And I certainly didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. In sharing my secrets, I came to live in the freedom of release. Fear taunts, people will reject you and make you feel like a flawed person. Faith says, take the risk. Be real. Allow God to use the broken places of your past to give hope to someone else. This is the gift of Step 5.

Step 6: Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

          Regret looks backwards and trust looks forward. I chose trust. Trust that I could do this thing if I put it in my Higher Power’s hands, faith that he would remove the character defects of my life. I was so ready. The Big Book says ‘jails, insanity or death’ are the options for the active alcoholic. I knew that if I didn’t ask God to help me change my way of being, then those truly were the only options left for me.

Step 7: Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

          Asking was the easy part – doing my part daily to live in his will is the process. My Higher Power walked with me through the Pit of Despair. He didn’t miraculously remove me from it, but He waded through the muck right beside me.   And it is happening. It takes time and it takes perseverance. It was not a one-shot deal for me. But every day as I stay focused on doing the right thing, the chinks in my armor fill with grace and gifts I never dreamed of. I believe I found my true self in the midst of the suffering and sorrow. I don’t know why, but I believe it is so. Maybe it’s because trials reveal the shallowness in me or it dims the attraction the world has to offer and casts a bright light onto spiritual realities.

Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

          For a long time I was too numb to realize that I was pointing a finger at God for allowing this terrible thing to happen. Part of my mental and spiritual healing is taking place by admitting my part in the chaos and drama that had become my life. Taking that long hard look at myself was anything but fun, but it gave me the process through which I could take responsibility and admit to myself that the facade had to come down and I had to own up to the pain and wrong I had done to others.

Step 9: Made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

          Owning up to my mistakes. Being vulnerable. Moving in a forward direction. It is never easy. It is never routine. It is hard work. But it is necessary. Humbling myself. Seeking forgiveness. Being accountable. Doing it sober. What an adventure!

          It is easy to let seeds of resentment grow in my heart and cast blame. I was hurt and I felt I’d been abandoned. Receiving or giving forgiveness is not forgetting the pain, nor is it approving of wrong actions. It does not erase the memory of what has happened or that everything will turn out okay. What I continue to learn is that forgiving is a choice – to be forgiven by others or to forgive – that brings healing. It does not change the injustices of the past. What changes is the future – for others and me.

Step 10: Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

          When I am doing my best to live in God’s will, I am able to accept that I am human. I make mistakes. But if I can be humble enough to acknowledge my part in things and honestly seek to right any wrongs, I find myself enjoying more serenity and inner peace with each passing day. I am doing my part even when it is painfully uncomfortable. It is one of the most freeing choices that I make.

Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of His will and the power to carry that out.

          Gradually I learned to center my thought on my God and depend on Him in a way I had never done. This component of living clean and sober helps me to realize that I must release my controlling grip on my life and circumstances. I am determined to live by faith, not by feelings. I’ve known inexpressible joy, even while experiencing excruciating pain. And I have a peace that is beyond my human understanding. I think that’s possible because I am willing to put and keep myself in the center of my Higher Power’s will. I have found hope by resting in my faith and expectation, not in what God will do for me, but on my God who is my hope and expectation.

Step 12: Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

          When I choose to focus on gratitude and helping others, I get the focus off myself, off my own shackles, off my hopelessness and off my personal disappointment. Showing gratitude has to do with appreciating benefits received and expressing thankfulness to others. I have to be authentic enough to speak about my personal challenges because if I do I can fully embrace this gift and move in the direction of a purpose-filled life.

 I attend meetings regularly, have a sponsor, sponsor others, and am active in my local 12-step community. I have also participated in the Harmony Continuing Care program for almost three years.

          I wish I could say that today all my fears are gone, that it is easy to have faith and trust God each day, no matter what happens. The truth is - I struggle like everyone else. But one thing I have learned; though I may sometimes question God’s ways, I never question his love. He proved it to me in the pit.

Embracing recovery is the most empowering choice I ever made. It transcends common sense. It is sticky, uncomfortable, agitating and difficult. But it is liberating and life giving and spirit enriching. It changes your life and the lives of everyone who joins you on your journey. And then quite unexpectedly, you realize you are splashing hope into the lives of others!

To hear God’s promise…is to hear something that perhaps no one else around us can hear. It is to feel ourselves begin to tap our toes and move gently to the beat of the music, perhaps to the bewilderment of those watching us. The music we hear is the music of God’s future. Hope is hearing the tune. Faith is to dance to it now.     Ben Patterson

Grace and Peace